Sunday, January 31, 2010

I'm contemplating, thinking about thinking...

Hello, blogosphere! I have a little plan brewing I might share with you. I'm guessing you all know by now that my job is slowly driving me around the bend and I really only do it cos it pays well, right? Well, the other day I had to go to a Nutrimetics party for a friend of mine and it got me thinking. It can be really hard to completely switch careers at my age, especially as I'm single and I really "can't" give up my job because there's no way I can afford to without doing the absolutely unthinkable and moving in with my parents - NOOOOO! However, what's good about my job is that it's very flexible and sometimes they don't give me nearly enough work and I find I have a lot of spare time on my hands. What better way to see how I'd go with something like sales than to actually try selling something via party plan? Hell, it can't hurt. And if it's something I like, even if I fall in a heap and fail miserably at least I'd have products I could keep. So I've been thinking about what I'd like to try selling. Skincare/cosmetics is really out because I have worked from home for too long and I'm sure my own make-up application techniques leave something to be desired, plus I guess I don't "look" right to do it (not being negative, just realistic). Obviously Amway/pyramid selling is out of the question cos it's anathema to me personally. I thought about Enyo cos everyone needs to clean and they do make some great, enviro-friendly stuff. But the thing that appeals most to me is linen. We all need it and I personally have a bit of a thing for nice linen. You don't have to look a certain way to sell it or be an impeccably made-up fashionista. And the company I'm thinking of going with, they do have some beautiful stuff that I'd be more than happy to promote. I reckon I could do it. It might be just what I need to add some much-needed extra structure to my weeks and I think the social contact would be very, very helpful for me.

You might ask, why am I looking for a second job rather than putting all my effort into weight loss? Well, when I was seeing my psychologist last year before I moved, she felt very strongly that the reason I keep binge-eating is because my job was making me miserable, I didn't really see any way out of it, I felt trapped, and eating crap makes me feel a bit better. I know it's a bit pathetic, but that's honestly the truth - my bad weeks at work are really bad binge-eating triggers for me. This would be a way of bringing my life back into a better social balance, to which end I'm going along to a choir tomorrow night, something I also love to do and haven't done regularly for ages. It will all help Project Deb.

So the thought of this scares me half to death, but what does CH always say? We need to be prepared to get uncomfortable. And boy, will this ever make me uncomfortable! But I sort of have a good feeling about it too. :)

Till next time, ciao!!!

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Insight from...Paul Kelly?

Yes, that's right, the well-known Australian singer/songwriter/poet!

I have just had to caption a Triple J concert which was a tribute to Paul Kelly (and if you're curious as to why we would be captioning a music program for deaf people, I'm as much in the dark as you are!). But having said that, such programs are always easy to do - pretty much all you have to do is look up the lyrics and then format and time them with the music.

Anyway, the point to all this is the lyrics to one particular song, Dumb Things, really struck me today. I know the song and I really like it, but obviously I've never really considered the true meaning of the song, especially verse 3!

And I get all your good advice
It doesn't stop me from going through these things twice
I see the knives out, I turn my back
I hear the train coming, I stay right on that track

Don't those lyrics just sum up self-destructiveness so well, whatever the bad habit is where we are being self-destructive? We have friends and family giving us good advice because they care. Yet, even though we know they are right and we know their advice is well-meant, we do exactly what he says! We lie on the track knowing full well that train will run over us. We present our backs for the knives to go in. The song is called Dumb Things - do we do those things because we're dumb? I guess in a way, yes, we are being a bit dumb, but I think there's more to it than that. I think it has more to do with fear - fear of change, fear of success, fear of losing a catch-all excuse for whatever is wrong in our lives. Or, to put it another way, it's what CH calls "circular behaviour", doing the same thing over and over because it's, as the book says, our "default setting", what we are so used to.

So, is this the year/decade when we are going to keep doing the "dumb things", going round in circles cos it's just easier to keep doing it? Or are we finally going to be smart and break our programming?

Thanks for the insight, Paul. :)

Thursday, January 21, 2010

General reflections post-move

Well, now that the dust is finally settling after the move and we're back to relatively normal life, guess it's time for a few reflections on how my life's been since I've been back in Brisbane.

1. Weight loss/exercise

I am still struggling a bit to catch that wagon. For some reason I am doing some things right, but certainly not enough to really change anything permanently and not enough to shift any significant weight. I did injure my knee in December and it remains a bit dodgy, but it has recovered quite well and I certainly can exercise again now cos I did on Wednesday night. Just need to DO it and not talk about it and think about it.

2. State of mind

The other night after I went to Lauren's 30th party, a friend sent me a message saying I seemed a lot happier in myself since I moved (thanks, Chrissey xx), and her comments are what has prompted this next bit. In general, since moving back up here I would say I am a lot happier. I feel like the whole Trevor thing is now a lot further behind me and actually part of my past. While I was on the Gold Coast I did feel very "stuck" for quite a while after he and I broke up. In a way, because I was still seeing him fairly often, it was almost as though we weren't apart, and when I DID see him it would often make me sad because we'd get along so well and I'd find myself wondering, "Why DID we split up again?" Of course, I know why, and it was absolutely the right thing to do, but loneliness and uncertainty just mess with your mind sometimes.

3. Boys and other yucky stuff ;)

At my flatmate's urging, I did recently stick my toe back into the murky waters of online dating again, and let's just say things have been interesting this time around. But it's all very distracting. :laugh5: I'll let you draw your own conclusions from that one and, no, it doesn't mean what you think it means (well, not necessarily LOL!) I think it's more that I find dating quite confronting because it pushes buttons with me, to do with my past, my self-esteem, my failed relationship, etc. I'm trying really hard not to let it get me down, and I also recognise the person I really need to be dating and falling in love with is ME, not some guy, because until I love ME, I'm not going to attract the right sort of guy who can love ME, not someone he THINKS I am according to the bright, bubbly, cheery Debbie he might see on a date, which is part of me, but certainly not my true personality, which is pretty introverted.

4. Work

Work remains a struggle for me. I am really trying to appreciate the good things about my job (i.e. the flexibility, the fact I can choose my own hours, the good pay, etc), but there are still days it really gets me down. And I know that does not make me Robinson Crusoe cos, let's face it, who loves their job all the time? But the thing unique to my job is the crushing loneliness and isolation that I'd imagine almost nobody but a captioner working from home would experience to the same degree. People who see me when I'm out and about socially never believe me when I tell them I am an introvert (following on from previous paragraph), but tell me this - do you really think I could do the job I do and NOT be one? A true extrovert would not be able to stand this, not talking to anyone all day long. It is very difficult some days and it's the reason why I procrastinate coming and sitting in my office and working. That said, however, I have been making a good effort to work normal hours so that I have free time when others have free time, meaning I have more opportunities to be social.

So, to sum up, things are good, but they could certainly be improved a lot. Need to really make my non-negotiables non-negotiable!

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Epic fail?

Normally, I try to avoid the expressions "kids" use because I would not want to come across as a wannabe kid! But I've been seeing this one a bit lately, and it's time I came out and said it - as far as my non-negotiables are concerned....EPIC FAIL! Not only are they not non-negotiable, but they are utterly and completely negotiable, which is why I don't do them. Clearly this is not going to help me achieve any of my goals because nothing is going to change. I'm not reporting this because I'm surprised about it, more so because I'm not. Like CH says, "If you want to live in Groundhog Day, don't change a thing." Helllooo, Groundhog Day. Again. I can hear I Got You Babe playing as we speak. Fair enough, yes, Dicky Knee did raise his ugly head in the last month or so. But there was still lots I could have done - I just haven't done it. So I'm wondering what it is to be for me. My behaviour would suggest I want to stay fat forever, preferably putting on even more weight, something I can ill afford to do. Intellectually I don't, not at all, but if I'm not prepared to do anything to change my situation, then I might as well be saying, "Pass me that Krispy Kreme box while I staple my bum firmly to the couch, where I expect to remain for the next 10 years or so." No. That's not happening.

Today I had brekky with a friend of mine. We have known each other a while through the HBC website. We have had similar lifelong weight battles, we weigh a similar amount, we have a similar amount of weight to lose also. She would be my PERFECT training partner, with just one snag - she lives out in the sticks on the southside and me, out in the sticks on the northside. What do to? Well, for a start, I asked her if she wanted to be an accountability buddy for me and I for her. We both agreed that if we tried to do too much at once, being realistic, we will fall over quickly and then hide from one another. *rueful grin* So today, we decided we would be one another's accountability buddy's for one good lifestyle habit each. Great if we can achieve more, but we are only policing the one good habit. Hers is 30 minutes of exercise on six days of the week. Mine is going to sound like an odd one, but believe me, it's so important because this one has a huge impact on the rest of my day. I am going set hours. Oh, my God, what a novel concept. But adding structure to my day is exactly what I must do. Here's how it goes for a reluctant home worker who doesn't feel like sitting at her puter slaving away on a TV show she detests. Procrastinates all day. Literally. Might start on the show at...8pm. If it takes 7 hours to do, that means a 3am finish. What happens next day? Of course I am tired and feel like crap. Of course that means I "feel" too tired to exercise. Of course it means I spend at least some of the day nodding off on the couch in front of the TV just cos I can. Oh, yes, make no mistake - unstructured hours are a shocker for me. The more chaotic and disorderly my life is, the worse my eating is, the less I exercise... yada yada yada.

So that's my goal - working set hours. I have asked my friend, if possible, to be a bit "mean" to me if she can, and I said I'd do the same for her, because if we don't talk straight, we are not being good accountability buddies. That is my current non-negotiable behaviour and supersedes all others. Let's just see if doing that means I do other things I need to do in a lot more productive way.

Friday, January 8, 2010

First week summary and news about Dad

Well, it's now the end of the first week of my New Year restart, and I'm pretty pleased with how I've done. :) I wasn't perfect, and I didn't manage to get rid of the coffee habit, but I have peace about that one. There will be other times to try that, and hopefully I won't have to work next time I do it. What really scuttled the attempt was trying to do my job, which requires quite a lot of concentration at times, with the big thumping headache. Lesson learned - do not give up caffeine when you have to stare at a puter! On the positive side, being newly veggie has meant I have eaten more fruit and veggies and healthy legumes in the last week than I have for aaaages, and that's got to be a good thing. I also have been very vigilant in taking my fish oil and glucosamine tablets (although I think I forgot them today - better fix that!)

I also got my backside to the gym last night and did an admittedly fairly limited workout, but it is a start! The knee issue means a fair bit of what they do is not advisable, but I still got there and I moved, and that's the most important thing. Now to do a bit more of it next week and over the weekend.

Oh, and I forgot to weigh in today, but I will next Friday.

Before I leave the blogosphere to settle down and read my new Craig book, Fattitude, I am sending good vibes out into the universe for my dad, who today heard from his doctor that after years of getting SCCs and BCCs cut off various parts of his skin (i.e. the harmless type of skin cancer), he now has an actual melanoma on his shin. :( I'm pretty worried about him, but I'm going to stay hopeful that because he is always at the skin specialist, they have caught it early and all will be well. Any good vibes/thoughts you have out there would also be appreciated. I really would love to have Dad around for a few more years.

Till next time... xoxox

Sunday, January 3, 2010

On second thoughts...

No, right now I can't quite manage to give up coffee. Ah, well. :) You know what? I'm OK with my choice to reconsider the all-out ban in favour of moderation. Seriously, so many people I know struggle with alcohol, for instance. They are seemingly totally unable to give it away entirely, so instead they just moderate their intake. I have no issue with alcohol whatsoever (thank God, because there's no doubt I have it in me to become an alcoholic if I did like it!). Neither do I take drugs, nor would I. I don't gamble and smoking is repulsive to me. These days I don't even drink soft drink of any kind (I'd already given up Diet Coke previously, but along with coffee I also gave up soft drinks on NYD). So all I really do "wrong" is enjoy a nice coffee, and honestly, is that SO bad? The old Debbie might have have fun beating herself up about this. These days I'm far more inclined to go with the flow and realise everything happens for a reason.

And you might wonder what it was that triggered it. Well, anyone who's ever read my blogs in the past would know I do have a love/hate relationship with my job. Right now it's a bit in the "hate" phase because the lot of work I've got to do this week is singularly uninspiring. The plight of the home worker is that you have to find a way to motivate yourself in weeks like this, because if I actually was going to an office I'd just do the work to make the time go faster. This isn't so easy at home because all sorts of things seem more appealing than doing a program I hate! Anyway, on those bad days I need something, anything to look forward to. In order to give up something you like, you need to replace it. Lately I have given up quite a few things I liked but haven't managed to replace them, and all that does is make me miserable with life. I moved up here for a reason - to get on with my life and start living a far more vibrant one, getting it all back in balance with a decent amount of social contact, more hobbies, etc. Since moving there's been a lot going on taking up time, plus it's been the silly season, but after tomorrow things will start to get back to normal and I can put other plans into action, such as joining a new choir/singing group asap, taking classes I'm interested in, going to trivia nights, karaoke, whatever. And when I do that, somehow I don't think my job will seem anywhere near as bad, and if I decide to give up coffee again, it won't be so hard. :)

Till next time, from the still lacto/ovo/veggie, but not yet caffeine-free Deb. xx

Friday, January 1, 2010

What doesn't kill you...

Hello from the newly lacto-ovo-veggo and caffeine-free Deb. It's day 2 of my health experiment and so far I'm wanting a cup of coffee SO BADLY I could scream because of this cursed withdrawal headache :( . I mean, I knew I was going to get it because I've done this before, but I'd forgotten what a humdinger of a headache it is and the fact that nothing shifts it, not even quite strong painkillers. But I don't care - I will be strong and resist. It's meant that I haven't done much today besides sleep and rest, but that's good for my knee anyway, so veg and rest I will if that's what I need to do. I must admit, I'm not necessarily going to give coffee away forever because I do love it and I really will be in danger of becoming the world's dullest person because that means I have no vices at! That will mean besides being a virtual non-drinker, I don't smoke, take drugs, gamble, drink diet soft drinks OR drink coffee. Ho hum. But as I've been telling people, if I could have just a cup of black coffee, no sugar, I'd never give it up. Unfortunately, I don't like it like that - I like my coffee wrapped up in mocha form, made on milk, from a coffee shop. It's an expensive habit both in terms of calories and dollars, so it's got to go for now.

And then there's the question of Dicky Kee. The knee is feeling pretty good today and a lot less swollen generally, but then it usually does if I'm not sitting at my desk typing. However, I've committed to taking fish oil and glucosamine/chondroitin EVERY day like I'm supposed to (because I am notorious tablet forgetterer!) and since my restart I have been vigilant with it. I'm still not sure what to do re exercise. I do like Breaking Point but it is so full on with the boot camps and I really do not want this injury to turn into something more troublesome in the long-term. Equally, because they have such huge classes, I think they'd get really over having to tell me for each different thing what I can or cannot do, or what I should do for an alternative. The physio suggested strongly that I wait until I have orthotics before doing anything much at all, and I think that's a good idea, and that will be next week if all goes well. Apparently this maltracking patella/tight ITB/dodgy medial ligament business is not helped by the way I walk.

So, day 2 of my restart, I wish I could say I feel so much better and cleaner and healthier. I think I would if I didn't have this damn headache, though, so I'm going to think of that positive benefit right now before I go down the road and mug someone for a latte! This is the "cleanest" I have eaten in quite a long time, so I know it's got to be good for me. I've just had a lovely snack of honeydew melon. Mmmm! Probably protein shake time soon too - we veggos need extra!

Blog soon. Mwaaaah to all. xoxox