Friday, July 16, 2010

Back out there again!

Well, blogosphere, I'm writing at the end of my first full week of non-home work. It's been a very interesting time. First up, I'm really happy with my new job so far. I have a lovely crew of workmates, all but one of whom are young enough to be my kids (which is ever so slightly depressing - lol), the work is a lot more interesting than captioning kids' programs, and the routine and extra exercise is doing wonders for my weight loss regime so far. In my last post, I spoke about facing up to the scales after a few weeks in the healthy eating wilderness, and I fully expected a fairly negative result. Well, I'm actually the same weight, and that might not sound like such a fantastic thing, but I know what I've eaten at times during these weeks and believe me, I dodged a bullet. Well, either that, or a part of me was still looking out for my best interests and having me make at least some good choices. And if it's the latter, that's great, because that, to me, is a sign of more functional long-term eating habits forming.

The main reason I'm writing this, though, is to mention an important ephiphany I've had this week since being back "out there" again. You know, working from home, it's easy to exist in some kind of unreal vacuum. It's really hard to explain, but essentially, you feel kind of disconnected from life and from people, and so it's much easier to do things your own way, or to keep doing things even though you know they don't help you. This week, having to commute to work, of all things, has reminded me just how much I want to lose more weight. Do you know, just about every day this week, even when I could have sat down on a train seat, I have CHOSEN to stand because I don't want my size to squash some poor person who sits next to me. I have been tired and I've had sore feet because I'm not used to the extra walking in non-comfy shoes yet, and there have been times I could really have used a seat, but still I chose to stand. It would be SO much easier not to have to worry about that, to take up a normal amount of space! I hate being different in that regard. And yet, being at home, it was hardly ever brought to my attention, so I could forget about it, if that makes sense. Secondly, I have found this week very tiring. My knees feel extra creaky and sore and stiff, too. I know that I'd have found it a lot easier if I didn't have to carry all this lard around with me. Definitely some of my favourite no-calorie food for thought there. But on a more positive note, I am SO glad I've gotten as far as I have. If I still weighed my heaviest weight i.e. 160kg, I would basically have had to catch a taxi to work or something. At least now I'm doing OK, and I know it will only get better. Time to keep my eyes on the prize and look at the bigger picture and - insert your favourite cliche!

Anyway, that's all for now. Peace out. xox

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Distractions aplenty

Hello out there! Just realised it's nearly been a month since I blogged last, so clearly the "love and other yucky stuff" (refer previous entry!) HAS been more of a distraction than I perhaps realised. So, as if the whole boy thing wasn't enough (it is still happening, it's still very nice and it still has no label, and won't have for the foreseeable future), I've spent over two weeks living at a house that isn't my own due to circumstances entirely out of my control, I've just finished up today with the job I've had for over five long years, and Monday is the first day of my new one. Am I worried? Yeah, a bit, cos it will be a huge shock to my system, and yet I know with every fibre of my being just how much I need this!

I won't go into the gory details, but let's just say my stress levels in the last fortnight owing to being away frm home, etc, have been close to unmanageable by my standards, so some eating of "sometimes" and less healthy foods has gone on. But tomorrow is a new start and the best way to get an idea of where my new restart point is? Well, to face the scales, of course. So I'm gonna do that tomorrow. And whatever they say, I don't care. I just want to know what's happened so I can do something about it. I don't think it'll be as bad as I may imagine, but right now I just want to know. And knowing is power and knowing is a step towards being on track again. And I DO so want to be in my good headspace again. But now I know how much more work I need to put into managing my stress levels better, cos when they get out of hand, those unhelpful eating behaviours are never too far away from the surface cos they are so ingrained. But neural pathways are like plasticine till the day we die and they CAN be remoulded. And I am going to remould mine!

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Love and other yucky stuff

Hello, blogosphere! Me again with more observations on life, the universe and other stuff. Today, just for a change, I thought I'd blog about dating/boys instead of food issues, because I think it's important to see how all sorts of changes in your life, even good ones, can have a way of throwing you off track if you are not careful.

I've been single for two years now and I've found it to be a challenging, but yet also very rewarding period of time. My relationship worked for me for quite a while on some levels, but it didn't work in certain crucial ones, and one main one where it failed was I never really learnt how to keep my identity while being part of a couple. Now, I recognise that it might not be such an important thing to everyone, but I'm Miss Independent, of course, so to me it is crucial. I honestly felt that in my relationship with T, somewhere along the line I lost Debbie. I never want that to happen again because I finally now feel I've got "me" back. Any relationship I have from now on, I want it to be one that enhances what I have already, not something I feel I "need" to "complete me", as those icky romantic cliches go.

So, that's the theory. Now, the reality is that... major drum roll... I think I might have met someone who I actually am interested in having some kind of a meaningful thing with. Oh, my God, I can't even believe it myself. It's really thrown me a bit because it's so unexpected. Don't get me wrong - I'm kind of interested and excited and walking round grinning like an idiot at times, but the flipside of it is I've been going along really well with my health and fitness plans, being disciplined and focussed, etc. You know this love/lust/whatever stuff? Man, it messes with that! Far from being focussed these last few days, I've been off with the fairies! I haven't eaten "sometimes" foods or wanted to binge or anything, but I'm sort of forgetting to eat and feeling like odd foods, not to mention my sleeping patterns are a bit out of whack too. I'm not at all sure what the impact on my weight will be, but I guess time will tell.

The other slight downside is that because I did go through a very painful breakup, even the thought of maybe "going there" again does seem to push a lot of my anxious overthinking buttons. You know, "what if this happens", "how will I handle x/y/z", blah blah blah. I really recognise I need to see that it's early days and if anything is EVER going to develop, it needs to be given time to feel OK and right and I need to be OK with that. I do recognise that it also could fizzle out and go nowhere, too, and that's OK if it does. I'd be sorry, but because I've managed to built my life back into a better place, I don't "need" this to feel happy with me. And that's a good place!

But just quietly, can you cross your fingers for me? ;)

Friday, May 28, 2010

The truth about junk/crap/rubbish/trash/insert expletive

What comes to your mind when you see this picture? Looks good, doesn't it? Looks like it would be really yummy to eat, don't you reckon? Hell, I do! As I'm still a large (if reducing) person, I think there'd be those who would tell me not to think for a minute there's anything nice about a Drumstick, that I should think of it as poison, junk, rubbish, garbage, crap, yada yada yada. In fact, in the past on my failed attempts to reform my eating patterns, I've tried to tell myself all that stuff! Did it work? Of course not! Let's be brutally honest here, folks. Drumsticks and, indeed, a lot of the food the world would have you believe is junk/rubbish/crap/trash/garbage are YUMMY! They are NICE! It is not a sin to think that or to say it because it's the truth. Hell, let's face it - would there be any fat people in the world today if such foods as this weren't actually pleasurable to eat? Of course not.

Of course, there is another side of the coin of my yummy Drumstick. Is it healthy? No, truthfully, it isn't. Nobody would suggest it was. Does it have too much saturated fat? Hell, yes. Is it nutritious? No, not especially (though I guess the milk in the ice-cream has some protein? ;) ). Is it the ideal way to use your daily food intake? Of course not.

The next thing we have to ask ourselves is, will the world ever be free of the less healthy foods? And the answer to that is no, it never will be. They ain't going anywhere. Why would people stop making something that spins such huge profits? So unless we are all planning on going and living on an island somewhere where there is only clean, unprocessed food to eat/catch, we need to find a way to live in harmony with food, ALL food.

And this is where my Drumstick comes into it. I ate a Drumstick tonight. Yes, I'm freely admitting this. :) It had 275 calories (I could have a full meal on those calories!) and waaaaay too much saturated fat. Do I feel bad about eating it? Not at all! I enjoyed it! And you know why? Because for possibly the first time in my life, I made a choice to eat a sometimes food, decided what I REALLY wanted, went and got it and ate it slooooooowly, savouring every mouthful. And it was delicious. The idea of this exercise stems from Dr Kausman's book, of course. I've felt for a long time that my binge-eating was extremely unsatisfying on many levels, but the most basic problem with it is that I didn't even enjoy the food. I went out of my way to seek out food I thought I wanted, shovelled waaaay too much of it down my gullet, felt ill for ages afterwards and ended up feeling even worse. I doubt I actually tasted any of it. I'm not proud to say this, but I will admit it - I've been known to polish off half a litre of ice-cream in one sitting. *blush* I doubt I would have enjoyed more than two mouthfuls of that lot because I was eating it...I don't know, almost to punish myself for being so worthless and weak? (and that may not make sense to people who don't binge, but that's really why I have done my worst bingeing). Dr Kausman claims that if you eat mindfully and consciously, you can get a hundred times more enjoyment out of a single Lindt ball than if you'd eaten a whole box of them. And I thought that sounded too good to be true, but guess what? I think my Drumstick experiment has proved it IS true! I've had my "sometimes" food and I enjoyed it, but it was quite a small amount. I don't feel sick. I don't feel guilty. And I don't need to have another for months now - I can just read my blog to remember how it tasted....hehe!

So that's today's new eating awareness revelation. I'm still excited - this book rocks! :) :) :) Ciao all!!!!

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Nutrition vs Intuition

Hi again, blogosphere! :) It's me with more ponderings on the writings of Dr Kausman. I've just read a chapter called Nutrition vs Intuition. Basically, what the chapter says is that to achieve a comfortable, healthy weight that is just right for us, we need to get both of these things working in harmony. Now, like most of what he writes, I totally agree with this because I've observed it lately with myself!

Now, at the moment I am eating very well and carefully. I know what's going into my body and I am trying to be mindful of getting the required nutrients, etc, without being ridiculously obsessed by it. This has given me a really good opportunity to really observe and experience the way hunger levels naturally ebb, flow and fluctuate in my body after quite a long period of eating for reasons that mostly had nothing at all to do with actual physical hunger.

I eat roughly the same amount of calories every day, so it's been fascinating for me to realise that there are days when I'm so hungry that I feel I could eat twice as much as I am and that wouldn't even be enough, and days when I'm not hungry at all and only eat stuff like regular scheduled snacks because they're on my "program" to be eaten. And this is where the "nutrition vs intuition" thing comes into play. This is why Dr Kausman believes any structured, strict "food plan" can never work long-term because it basically cuts intuition right out of the equation. It is normal, natural to want to eat more some days and less on other days - I can see that now.

I can see how that is how people with healthier eating habits naturally than I currently have maintain their weight. They eat more some days, less some days, but it's based on how they're feeling. They trust what their bodies are telling them. Me, on the other hand, it's a different story. Me and my body, it's like we're two people who have been feuding for years and have only just come to an agreement to stop fighting and learn to get along with each other. The intentions are there, but there is still quite a lot of mistrust. I don't know what my body "thinks", obviously, but I'm sure if it could talk, it would say, "I don't trust Debbie one inch! Sure, she's eating the right food now, but she's made me suffer for YEARS with indigestion, bloating, gallstone attacks and other horrible things! How do I know she's not gonna start that crap again?!" And me, well, I CAN talk, and I don't trust my body either. Even now, when it tells me it is hungry, I never believe it. My first instinct is always, "I bet I'm not REALLY hungry. I'm probably thirsty. Yeah, that's it - I'll drink water." But then I wake up most mornings and I am just ravenous. Could it be that for once my body and what I'm feeding it are working in harmony and I'm waking up hungry body actually NEEDS food? Wow, what a head-spinning concept!

This is an absolutely fascinating time in my life because I feel like for the first time, I'm truly learning a new way to do things I've never tried before and I am so positive it's the right path for me. I'm excited! Finally, after all these years, I can see a peaceful, harmonious relationship with food in my future! Sure, it's on a very distant horizon and occasionally I think it's a mirage, but it's THERE, baby.

Till next time...ciao!!!!!

Friday, May 21, 2010

"Food is morally neutral"

This is in quotes because it's directly taken from If Not Dieting, Then What, but I think it's such an important statement to make, so I thought I'd expand it into a blog.

I don't think a lot of us realise the power of the words we use. I know I don't, but I think I'm starting to. In the course of my re-reading Dr Kausman's book, I've been trying to absorb the book's most important messages, and I feel this is one of THE most important ones for all of us to take on board, especially women.

Have you ever been at a barbecue and observed what happens when men and women are around food? This might be a gross generalisation, but humour me for a sec! I'm particularly talking about when the desserts are brought out here. Correct me if I'm wrong, but it usually goes down something like this. The men, it's quite a simple process with them. Whether they're a normal weight or overweight or whatever, they will either eat some, or they won't. I don't know that I've ever seen them discuss the matter in any detail whatsoever. The women - oh, boy, that's another story. We seem to go into an orgy, almost, of self-punishment, excuse-making, guilt-tripping, the whole nine yards. And the words bandied about the most will be "good" and "bad". For example, "I'm going to have some cheesecake. I'm being so BAD!" Or, "No, I won't have any. I'm on a diet and I'm trying to be GOOD!" Then, the ones who are being "good" will probably be praised by others for their "willpower", while the ones who are being "bad" will most likely, underneath it all, be feeling quite guilty that they have succumbed and are so "weak".

So this is where the "food is morally neutral" bit comes in. As far as Dr Kausman is concerned, and I agree with him, food is meant to be enjoyed within reason and in moderation. There is nothing inherently MORALLY bad about chocolate, cake, chips, whatever. Of course there are foods which nourish our bodies better. Of course there are foods which are much less calorie-dense and therefore more satisfying in the longer term. But if we make a sensible, reasoned, rational choice to have a small piece of cake at a party, for instance, we need to let go of this idea that we are being BAD. We're not. We're enjoying a "sometimes food". How on earth can anyone feel good about themselves if their whole life is a constant I'm being good/I'm being bad struggle over something as natural as eating?

Now, let's go back to our barbecue, to the so-called virtuous types who have held firm and refused all desserts because they are being "good". How are they feeling? I think some really do feel strong, maybe a little holier-than-thou or superior because of their display of willpower and control. But I think far more likely, some of them would love to have tried a little piece of dessert. I know - I've BEEN one of these people! They have such an all or nothing mentality that their eating tends to be either 100% healthy or near enough to 100% unhealthy. And sometimes the reason they are being so "good" is to achieve a short-term weight loss goal such as being a size 10 for their wedding, or looking good at a school reunion. The unfortunate part of those types of goals is that they have nothing to do with long-term sustainability or health. I've seen it happen so many times. The reunion/wedding is over and the person promptly piles on the kilos because finally they don't have to be "good". I submit to you that if during their journey they'd occasionally decided to have a tiny bit of cake now and then, it would have made little difference to their ultimate goal weight but, more importantly, it wouldn't have led to the post-diet binge/gain cycle.

I'm not sure if I'm explained this well, but the bottom line is I feel so strongly we need to lose this punitive attitude to eating and food. I know with me, it's so strongly tied in with my emotional eating issues and I'm tired of it. I want it to stop. And I know I'm not the only one.

So I have a challenge for anyone who reads this - think about whether you want food to be a horrible, scary enemy always out to get you by tempting you with its "badness", or whether you want it to be something that both nourishes your body AND the inner child who still might occasionally want to have their cake and eat it too.

Peace out. xoxo :)

Monday, May 17, 2010

Still "in the game"

When I went out for my attempted 10,000 step walk yesterday (FYI, made it to about 6,500 in OVER AN HOUR and realised that to get that many steps a day in my job is going to require some lateral thinking!), I chose a route along the foreshore at Scarborough. It was chilly, overcast, quite bleak, and I wasn't really "feeling it" much for the first 25 minutes or so. It was the sort of day when I would have thought if you had a choice, you'd stay in bed! But what did I see while I was out?

That's right - quite a lot of elderly folks. Some rode bikes, some walked slowly, but steadily. I even saw one walking with a walking stick, and another who was wheeling a walker along. But the point I'm making is...they were still out there, and on a day when they probably had every right not to be. And seeing the ones with the walking sticks/walkers made me feel pretty silly for thinking I was hard done by because Dickie Knee and my new orthotics are combining to make me walk quite a bit slower than I'm used to because now my leg is "tracking" properly, it's taking time to get used to. So after I'd passed them, I walked with an extra spring in my step and enjoyed it much more.

What did I learn? One, that sometimes all it takes is an attitude adjustment. And two, walking is a very underrated exercise, yet it is the most natural, normal thing that we were literally born and made to do. I certainly plan to do a lot more of it, now that jogging isn't really inadvisable for a bit.

Friday, May 14, 2010

The mentality of "deprivation"

Hello out there from your ever-neglectful blogger! :) I have been having a busy time and I've had lots of stuff on my mind, but nothing has felt blog-worthy or new until now.

I've just begun to do some work in regards to developing a more healthy relationship with food, and part of this has meant I'm currently re-reading this book, and reading it more closely.

The book, as you can see, is by Dr Rick Kausman, who is THE foremost expert in Australia, pretty much, when it comes to the mental/emotional side of eating, and it's called If Not Dieting, Then What? The fitness/diet industry are probably quite horrified that books like this exist, because if people actually followed its principles, nobody would be caught on this awful diet/deprivation/binge/feel guilty cycle that so many of us seem to be on.

It's hard to sum it up in a few words, but basically, what the book theorises is if you are one of these people who, even when they are doing the "right" thing, find they are constantly at war with themselves over it, you need to make peace with food, and that means ALL food, not just healthy/clean food. Doing this covers everything from the actual words you use to describe foods that aren't as healthy as others to changing your eating patterns with these foods to a far more conscious one so that if you do make a rational, reasoned choice to eat a "sometimes food" (see, I'm doing it already!), make sure it is exactly what you want to taste, and also make sure you make like a MasterChef judge and eat slowly, deliberately, and savour it. His theory is that those foods are never, ever going to disappear from the world, so if you have issues with them, you always will have issues with them until you find a way to handle them that is comfortable and easy and not the constant internal "will I? won't I?" which has charactertised a lot of my own eating. And yes, that's happened EVEN when I have been successful in losing weight too.

So I'd say I feel pretty excited about working with this new theory. They always say if you don't change anything, nothing changes, and I've certainly never taken this approach before. And yet, for someone like me, that's probably exactly where I was going wrong. People can talk until they're blue in the face about how if I were to eat low carb/clean, I wouldn't feel hungry and therefore I wouldn't want to eat "sometimes foods", but since the craving is an emotional one, not a physical one, I just know it's not enough to only treat one part of the problem.

I'll post more when I've got the idea straight in my head. Peace out. xx

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Miss Independent?

Wow, I've just realised I have not had time to write anything here for a whole month! Time truly is flying by me and mostly it's a good thing. I think, though, that if I were healthier and fitter than I am right now, some parts of my "two jobs" lifestyle would be easier i.e. I wouldn't be so damn tired all the time like I seem to be. I always have a plan in the back of my mind to give up coffee, and then I realise it's futile at the moment cos I don't know if I could stay awake all day until I got used to it! *blush*

Anyway, to the post title. Anyone who knows me would realise I pride myself on my independence. I HATE asking for help unless I really need it, and sometimes I don't ask when I should ask. No, make that often. On some level, I guess I think of people who constantly ask for help as needy and perhaps a bit weak and draining on their friends and family, and I resolve never to be like that. And yet...I think my attitude is a problem, because right now I DO need help. I need help with my weight. I have been struggling for quite a while now. It is only some kind of miracle I'm not heavier than I am, but I am STRUGGLING to keep it together. And I know that the ultimate answer lies in me, and that in the end it will be me who does it and finishes the job, but...I need help. What form that help will take is what I don't know yet.

I found something that really scared me last night. I Googled terms and phrases like "obesity support" and "obesity help" in the Brisbane/Sunshine Coast region, and guess what came up? LAPBAND LINKS. That's right - now, if you ask for help from a medical professional, they are going to go and tell you to get lapband/lap sleeve surgery. I guess they figure it's less of a drain on the health system if you have the operation. Sure, it costs more initially, but if you do become thinner, theoretically you won't be a "burden" on the health system for the next 20 or 30 years. may well be! This is what blows my mind. In my research, I also read that there is, or has been, a case before the courts where nine lapband patients on the Gold Coast are sueing their surgeon because all their operations were botched and they are all now either miserable, in pain, fat again, or all of the above. And they're now more of a drain on the health system than they ever were before! And yes, I know there are people for whom it does work and they go away, never to be heard from again or have any health/weight issues, but everyone I know seems to have had issues with them, some quite serious ones. Now, I'm sorry, but I have a HUGE problem with the fact that the first go-to solution for obesity these days is considered to be surgery. It just... I can't put it into words, even!

Anyway, rant over. The only place I've managed to find that offers the kind of help I think I need right now without telling me to have surgery is Wesley Weight Management, so I have made an appointment to see them this week. Wish me luck - I will report back later!

Monday, March 15, 2010

Big changes are afoot!

Hello again, blogosphere! You know, right now in my life, I am feeling a bit like this critter!

My life has gone from the Groundhog Day-edness of the home-working captioner (same work, only varied by which crappy kids shows I get most of the time) to that of someone who is still keeping up with that part of my life (or trying to!), while also trying to build a business selling Lorraine Lea, something which is completely unlike anything I've done in my entire life! I still have to pinch myself that I'm even doing this. If you'd have told me once I moved back to Brisbane, I'd be doing something like this within four months, I truly would have laughed at you. But I don't know - maybe the Craig Harper saying that I've got as my signature in the CK forum has actually sunk in. That's the one that says, "If you want to live in Groundhog Day, don't change a thing." Well, I don't want to anymore, so I had no option but to change a lot of things. No regrets at all. I won't say I wish I'd done it sooner, because clearly the time was not right and I wasn't mentally ready. Now I am, and it feels good to be doing something positive instead of watching the world go by and wishing I could jump in, but letting fear hold me back.

Which brings us to the thorny issue of weight loss. Today I made a commitment to Darren, the main boot camp trainer, that I am going to give Breaking Point one last chance to see if I can make it work for me, and if after one month has gone by, I'm still finding it too hard to do the boot camps, etc, we will come to an arrangement so I can join a different gym instead. He was really good about it and totally understood why I was asking. But in order to find out if it's going to work, I need to actually do it a few times a week, so that is what I'm doing. For the next four weeks, linen parties, captioning notwithstanding, I'm going to do three morning boot camps a week. That is a doable commitment and I've made it non-negotiable. Doesn't mean I don't have to exercise other days, but that's my bare minimum. Today I went and it was OK. I asked Darren to give me a little extra help because I'm rusty at the moment, and he did, so that was good.

And my flatmate and I also have a little 12-week challenge going that we started on Monday, to see how much weight we can lose in 12 weeks if we put our minds to it. What I would really like is to get back to where I was about a year ago. I know if I really try, this is very doable. I'd need to lose about 15kg or so, but at my weight that is certainly possible. And I will calorie count if it feels like I need to, but other than that I'm going to just try really hard to listen to my body, feed it when it needs food, give it liquids, and when my inner child is jumping up and down asking for crappy food, I have a list of 20 different things to do instead to distract her. And, let's face it, now that I'm selling linen, there is always some administrivia to be done, and that is a good thing because the busier I am, the less I feel like eating.

Well, that's all for now. Tired but happy Deb signing off for now. Ciao, all! xox

Wednesday, March 3, 2010


Hello, blogosphere! I have been very neglectful lately, haven't I? Well, because of my upcoming foray into the world of party planning, my mental state can be summed up thusly:

Don't get me wrong, I'm looking forward to it, but at the same time I am FREAKING OUT about it, wondering how on earth I'm going to find time to do it with a full-time job (in theory) to also keep up with. So this is the time for calming thoughts, for giving myself a big hug (emotionally), telling myself it will all be OK and it will work out how it's meant to. And rather than thinking of all the possible disasters which could happen, which is what I'm tending to do, I need to focus on the possible positive outcomes, and there are many - help with my debts, getting out of the house meeting new people, freedom from captioning, maybe (YESSSS!). The future could be so bright, I gotta wear shades, like that very bad '80s song said!

And how is my weight going, you probably want to know, being as this is allegedly a blog about my weight loss? Well, it's not the best news on one level, but on another, it's a small positive. Since mid-November, my weight has stayed pretty much exactly the same. And believe me, I don't want to STAY here, but equally, since I don't want to put on any more than I already have, it's a tiny, tiny silver lining to have stayed the same and I'm still grateful for it.

Well, I've got places to go, people to see, party plan material to read, linen to tag, so I'd better get to it. Peace out for now! xoxox

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Getting uncomfortable

If I've learnt one thing in the last week, it's that the thing I need to be prepared to do to grow and flourish as a human being, getting uncomfortable - I don't like it. Not one bit. :(

Having made the decision to forge ahead with linen parties, I had to bite the bullet and ask friends/rellies/whoever to help me in the first month by holding eight parties for me (which is seven, cos one can be my own). So far I have six, and I have tied myself up into so many knots of stress worrying about asking people to have parties for me that, of course, the inevitable happened and I binged. Two days running, in fact. :(

Now, this doesn't have to be an A+B=C outcome. I'm sure it is possible to intervene in the process so that binge-eating is not the go-to strategy. I don't enjoy how I feel after I binge. I mean, who would? If the mental anguish isn't bad enough, you just feel physically ill too. Right now, I feel revolting, with a distended, churning belly. I don't say that to garner sympathy because I don't deserve any. I made my bed and now I'm lying in it. But I can see now what I need to do is get over that uncomfortable feeling I have which always precedes a binge. It's not nice and I hate it, but surely it must be able to be dealt with some other way. Having been an anxiety/panic attack sufferer for 10 years or so, if I had to put it into words, it feels as uncomfortable as you do before you are about to have a panic attack. Your mind races around, briefly alighting on various tortured thoughts in your mind like a demented trapped moth. You feel as if something awful is going to happen if you don't do something to quell this awful feeling (even though rationally, you know it won't). And to be honest, I guess the reason I keep bingeing is because on some level, it works to calm the anxious thoughts and feelings. It's a very poor, very non-constructive coping strategy, but it seems to be all I really have. And that has got to change.

In my last post I said I thought I didn't understand what would make someone desperate enough to consider major surgery such as a lapband or lap sleeve or duodenal bypass. Well, as I write this, I realise I was wrong - I do understand. Still doesn't mean I'd do it, but I understand. I guess people just get tired of fighting and feeling like they never win the battle. That's sort of how I feel at the moment - I know I can get back up off the canvas and fight again, but every time I fall over these days, it seems to take a little more fight out of me.

I have to get my head right again. Peace and love. xoxox

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

The sledgehammer of destiny

I'm sure you all know what I'm talking about. You know how when God/the Great Spirit/Ra/Buddha/Krisha/the universe shows you something so very...almost forcibly that it's very clear you need to learn a lesson, and a big one? Well, that's how I'm feeling today.

Let me start by admitting something - I have, for a long time, had a bit of an "issue" with lapband/lap sleeve surgery. I'm not proud of this fact and I know I shouldn't have a problem with it - I'm not even sure why I do? I have a feeling it might stem back to the fact that my mother used to badger me to get it done (sooner or later, everything seems to come back to Mum), but regardless of how it started, it is still very much there. And I'll go a little further and also admit that, yes, I have sometimes been quite judgmental about others who have decided to take this step, thinking they had just given up because they didn't want to do the hard yards, etc and wanted an easier route to weight loss. Again, I'm not proud of those thoughts, but I'm owning them now by getting them out into the blogosphere.

Well, you know that sledgehammer I was talking about? In the last few days, it has been whacking me over the head with great force. Two days ago, I found out a really dear friend of mine was having a lap sleeve operation, which she had yesterday. The day before that, I had received a shock email out of the blue from a guy who was also a dear friend many years ago (he was my boss for eight years when I used to work at Roy Morgan Research), and it turns out HE had gastric banding done two years ago. And my mum rang to tell me that a lady we used to live next door to when I was a teenager, well, SHE'S had one done late last year.

So the upshot of this is, it used to be that I had dealings with lapband/lap sleeve people, but nobody close to me had had it done, so I could afford, I guess, to be a bit on my high horse about it. But now it's happened to close friends, I feel very strongly that I need to totally reassess my strong feelings about it all. And what are they? Well, first and foremost, it is not a choice that I personally would make. While there's even a slight suspicion that I can do it myself without that "help" (and to be honest, the thought of that "help" including vomiting regularly is extremely unappealing), I want to try. I want to beat this weight demon into submission once and for all, and when I've done it, I never want anyone to be able to say, "Oh, it's all very well, but she had help, you know." But that's the point - it's only me who thinks this about myself and my own situation. I am not in my friends' minds, in their bodies. I don't know what's led them to make such a major and potentially risky decision. If I was, I might do just exactly what they have all chosen to do - go ahead with the surgery. And so what gives me the right to judge them for their choice? Nothing. I have no right.

So what is the lesson for me? To learn to accept that there are lots of ways of getting there, and if the end result is healthier, happier friends who will be around much longer so I can enjoy the special gift of their friendship, then of course I have to be OK with it. The loving thing to do is to accept and not judge. Would I like to be judged like I have, in the past, judged these people? No, would not, and when it's happened to me, I haven't.

From now on, it will be my mission to love and accept and respect people wherever they are at. To close, a quote...

When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself. Wayne Dyer

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Reflections on hunger

Last week there was an episode of Biggest Loser where a doctor spoke to the contestants about hunger. His theory was along the lines that in this day and age, for some reason we have learned to be almost frightened of hunger, to see it as a very bad thing. Now, this really got me thinking.

When you're fat, it's truly amazing just how many people will offer you advice (90% unsolicited) about what you should be doing to lose weight. And as a long-term fat person, as you can imagine, that well-intentioned (but sometimes very annoying and patronising - HELLO, I know I'm fat, but thanks for pointing out the bleeding obvious!) advice does rather start to stack up! Anyway, this episode of BL got me thinking about the times people have suggested to me that I take something that will suppress my appetite, because then I won't feel like eating and the kilos will just fall off me like garments in a nudist colony. And what do I tell these people? "Yes, that's a great idea - except I don't eat when I'm hungry. In fact, I don't remember the last time I WAS hungry." I don't think I'm Robinson Crusoe on this one, either. Because when I'm not being careful and watching what I do, I eat for all sorts of other reasons, but hunger, if there was a list, would be pretty damn low on it. And on the odd occasion when a miracle happens and for some reason I forget to eat for a while, in the old days this would almost engender a sense of panic, as in, "I'm so hungry - I have to eat something NOW!" And of course this is illogical because, let's face it, with the amount of "resources" on my body I could not eat for six months and I'd be just fine. :) So where does this irrational belief come from, I wonder? I wish I knew! Any feedback on this one would be welcome!

I guess the other reason I've been thinking about hunger is that I've BEEN so hungry this week. It's only to be expected after cutting down my cals so drastically after quite a long time of free-for-all eating as and when and what I pleased, but there have been a couple of times it's been a bit confronting and hard to deal with, such as when I go to bed hungry and it almost seems to be keeping me awake. However, feeling these hunger pangs has also been very educational. The other night I went to a boxing class. These classes go for 90 minutes and they're quite hard work with few rests from doing something. Even when just catching punches, you are still working to a degree. Before I went, I was what I could call "starving". My stomach was making loud growling noises and I felt like I wanted something then and there, that I HAD to have something, but I don't like eating too close to a workout so I didn't eat. Anyway, I went off and did the 90-minute class, and something very surprising happened. After it...I wasn't hungry at all! I'd done 90 minutes of exercise on a pretty empty stomach, so I started off ravenous and then burned a stack of calories in that state, yet when it was over the hunger pangs stopped! This really blew my mind. I had a smallish dinner after the class and that was plenty for me.

It has really brought home to me that clearly my hunger signalling mechanism is really out of whack and I need to reeducate it somehow. And since I obviously cannot rely on my feelings of hunger to tell me when to eat, that's exactly why I simply must count calories. It's so obvious!

So I'm more determined than ever now to keep going with it, because now I know exactly why I have to.

Peace out. xx

Monday, February 8, 2010

Day one done and dusted

OK, well, that's day one of calorie counting done and dusted. Considering that today I probably at least halved my caloric intake (and that's being generous - ahem!), it's quite remarkable how un-hungry I am right now. And I'm quite enjoying the feeling, actually. It makes a nice change from feeling like Moby Dick, or this lovely lady...

I am right within my cal budget for the day. I have, however, kept 100 spare up my sleeve in case at bedtime I am so hungry I find it hard to sleep (and don't worry - this has been known to happen in the past on some of my crazier "diets"!). However, if I keep drinking lots of water tonight, I am confident I won't need to have them. I think I'm going to be quite amazed (all over again) how little I really need to eat to live on. After all, creating an energy deficit in a body this size,well, it shouldn't be too hard to do, really!

I was lucky enough to meet with Sharif Deen last week and do a training session with him. Sharif was a finalist in last year's Biggest Loser show and is a living, breathing example that life-long fat people like me CAN leave that behind them and never go back. But the main take-home message I got from him was something he said the Commando told him - 1 hour of training cannot make up for 23 hours of bad eating. And that's my new motto. Don't get me wrong, I want to train, but I've been reminded very strongly that if I'm not eating right, it might make me a bit fitter, but no way is it going to get any weight off me.

And in general, there's to be much less of this...

..and much more of this!

Tomorrow is a fresh new day of counted calories and accountablity. Bring it on!!!

Saturday, February 6, 2010

I don't wannnna... But I have to!

The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers. (M Scott Peck)

I was looking for quotes before along the lines of what CH is always saying about being prepared to get uncomfortable, and I thought this one was really apt to my current situation and how my life has been in the last year or more. You see, I'm just starting to face up to a reality I know sooner or later I was always going to have to face. If I ever want to lose more weight, like it or not, I am going to have to actually start filling out my food diary again.

The fact I am only now coming to this conclusion is pretty amazing, really, since at heart I always knew this to be the case. Truth is, I have put it off for such a long time. And why have I, you might ask? Well, because I know what sort of a commitment it entails. I know, once I commit to doing it, it's actually going to mean I can't just continue on as I have been and eating pretty much what I want to, when I feel like it. I've just been being, quite frankly, a real spoilt princessy brat about it, stamping my foot rebelliously and saying, "But I don't WANNNNA do it! WAAAAH! It's too HARRRRRD! I'm BOOOOORED with it!!!" All of that is true, too - my inner princess does not like one bit the idea of so much imposed discipline. It really CAN be a pain in the arse to do it. And there is a part of me that really, really wishes that I had a normal relationship with food, that it wasn't going to be lifelong struggle for me to work out what I should eat, when I should eat, how I should eat, where I should eat, yada yada ad infinitum. But let's get real here - right now, I DON'T have a normal relationship with food. And honestly, I'm not likely to have any time soon, if ever. I've eaten dysfunctionally too long, used food for completely the wrong reasons for too long. And that really means I have to face up to the cold truth that counting calories seems to be, for me, the only way I can truly know what is going into my body and how much energy it is. I mean, it's how I got rid of 45kg in the first place (well, it was 45kg before I put some back on *blush* ). I have to think back to how happy I was when I first found CK, how I really sensed it was going to be a really useful tool for me. And so it proved to be until I got sick of doing it, just like I seem to get sick of everything to do with weight loss sooner or later.

But you know what? So what if I don't "enjoy" it? I don't have to! Whether I like it or not, it's just something I damn well have to do for now. And it's time I got used to the idea, because my weight is not going anywhere while I continue to be a baby about it.

Sunday, January 31, 2010

I'm contemplating, thinking about thinking...

Hello, blogosphere! I have a little plan brewing I might share with you. I'm guessing you all know by now that my job is slowly driving me around the bend and I really only do it cos it pays well, right? Well, the other day I had to go to a Nutrimetics party for a friend of mine and it got me thinking. It can be really hard to completely switch careers at my age, especially as I'm single and I really "can't" give up my job because there's no way I can afford to without doing the absolutely unthinkable and moving in with my parents - NOOOOO! However, what's good about my job is that it's very flexible and sometimes they don't give me nearly enough work and I find I have a lot of spare time on my hands. What better way to see how I'd go with something like sales than to actually try selling something via party plan? Hell, it can't hurt. And if it's something I like, even if I fall in a heap and fail miserably at least I'd have products I could keep. So I've been thinking about what I'd like to try selling. Skincare/cosmetics is really out because I have worked from home for too long and I'm sure my own make-up application techniques leave something to be desired, plus I guess I don't "look" right to do it (not being negative, just realistic). Obviously Amway/pyramid selling is out of the question cos it's anathema to me personally. I thought about Enyo cos everyone needs to clean and they do make some great, enviro-friendly stuff. But the thing that appeals most to me is linen. We all need it and I personally have a bit of a thing for nice linen. You don't have to look a certain way to sell it or be an impeccably made-up fashionista. And the company I'm thinking of going with, they do have some beautiful stuff that I'd be more than happy to promote. I reckon I could do it. It might be just what I need to add some much-needed extra structure to my weeks and I think the social contact would be very, very helpful for me.

You might ask, why am I looking for a second job rather than putting all my effort into weight loss? Well, when I was seeing my psychologist last year before I moved, she felt very strongly that the reason I keep binge-eating is because my job was making me miserable, I didn't really see any way out of it, I felt trapped, and eating crap makes me feel a bit better. I know it's a bit pathetic, but that's honestly the truth - my bad weeks at work are really bad binge-eating triggers for me. This would be a way of bringing my life back into a better social balance, to which end I'm going along to a choir tomorrow night, something I also love to do and haven't done regularly for ages. It will all help Project Deb.

So the thought of this scares me half to death, but what does CH always say? We need to be prepared to get uncomfortable. And boy, will this ever make me uncomfortable! But I sort of have a good feeling about it too. :)

Till next time, ciao!!!

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Insight from...Paul Kelly?

Yes, that's right, the well-known Australian singer/songwriter/poet!

I have just had to caption a Triple J concert which was a tribute to Paul Kelly (and if you're curious as to why we would be captioning a music program for deaf people, I'm as much in the dark as you are!). But having said that, such programs are always easy to do - pretty much all you have to do is look up the lyrics and then format and time them with the music.

Anyway, the point to all this is the lyrics to one particular song, Dumb Things, really struck me today. I know the song and I really like it, but obviously I've never really considered the true meaning of the song, especially verse 3!

And I get all your good advice
It doesn't stop me from going through these things twice
I see the knives out, I turn my back
I hear the train coming, I stay right on that track

Don't those lyrics just sum up self-destructiveness so well, whatever the bad habit is where we are being self-destructive? We have friends and family giving us good advice because they care. Yet, even though we know they are right and we know their advice is well-meant, we do exactly what he says! We lie on the track knowing full well that train will run over us. We present our backs for the knives to go in. The song is called Dumb Things - do we do those things because we're dumb? I guess in a way, yes, we are being a bit dumb, but I think there's more to it than that. I think it has more to do with fear - fear of change, fear of success, fear of losing a catch-all excuse for whatever is wrong in our lives. Or, to put it another way, it's what CH calls "circular behaviour", doing the same thing over and over because it's, as the book says, our "default setting", what we are so used to.

So, is this the year/decade when we are going to keep doing the "dumb things", going round in circles cos it's just easier to keep doing it? Or are we finally going to be smart and break our programming?

Thanks for the insight, Paul. :)

Thursday, January 21, 2010

General reflections post-move

Well, now that the dust is finally settling after the move and we're back to relatively normal life, guess it's time for a few reflections on how my life's been since I've been back in Brisbane.

1. Weight loss/exercise

I am still struggling a bit to catch that wagon. For some reason I am doing some things right, but certainly not enough to really change anything permanently and not enough to shift any significant weight. I did injure my knee in December and it remains a bit dodgy, but it has recovered quite well and I certainly can exercise again now cos I did on Wednesday night. Just need to DO it and not talk about it and think about it.

2. State of mind

The other night after I went to Lauren's 30th party, a friend sent me a message saying I seemed a lot happier in myself since I moved (thanks, Chrissey xx), and her comments are what has prompted this next bit. In general, since moving back up here I would say I am a lot happier. I feel like the whole Trevor thing is now a lot further behind me and actually part of my past. While I was on the Gold Coast I did feel very "stuck" for quite a while after he and I broke up. In a way, because I was still seeing him fairly often, it was almost as though we weren't apart, and when I DID see him it would often make me sad because we'd get along so well and I'd find myself wondering, "Why DID we split up again?" Of course, I know why, and it was absolutely the right thing to do, but loneliness and uncertainty just mess with your mind sometimes.

3. Boys and other yucky stuff ;)

At my flatmate's urging, I did recently stick my toe back into the murky waters of online dating again, and let's just say things have been interesting this time around. But it's all very distracting. :laugh5: I'll let you draw your own conclusions from that one and, no, it doesn't mean what you think it means (well, not necessarily LOL!) I think it's more that I find dating quite confronting because it pushes buttons with me, to do with my past, my self-esteem, my failed relationship, etc. I'm trying really hard not to let it get me down, and I also recognise the person I really need to be dating and falling in love with is ME, not some guy, because until I love ME, I'm not going to attract the right sort of guy who can love ME, not someone he THINKS I am according to the bright, bubbly, cheery Debbie he might see on a date, which is part of me, but certainly not my true personality, which is pretty introverted.

4. Work

Work remains a struggle for me. I am really trying to appreciate the good things about my job (i.e. the flexibility, the fact I can choose my own hours, the good pay, etc), but there are still days it really gets me down. And I know that does not make me Robinson Crusoe cos, let's face it, who loves their job all the time? But the thing unique to my job is the crushing loneliness and isolation that I'd imagine almost nobody but a captioner working from home would experience to the same degree. People who see me when I'm out and about socially never believe me when I tell them I am an introvert (following on from previous paragraph), but tell me this - do you really think I could do the job I do and NOT be one? A true extrovert would not be able to stand this, not talking to anyone all day long. It is very difficult some days and it's the reason why I procrastinate coming and sitting in my office and working. That said, however, I have been making a good effort to work normal hours so that I have free time when others have free time, meaning I have more opportunities to be social.

So, to sum up, things are good, but they could certainly be improved a lot. Need to really make my non-negotiables non-negotiable!

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Epic fail?

Normally, I try to avoid the expressions "kids" use because I would not want to come across as a wannabe kid! But I've been seeing this one a bit lately, and it's time I came out and said it - as far as my non-negotiables are concerned....EPIC FAIL! Not only are they not non-negotiable, but they are utterly and completely negotiable, which is why I don't do them. Clearly this is not going to help me achieve any of my goals because nothing is going to change. I'm not reporting this because I'm surprised about it, more so because I'm not. Like CH says, "If you want to live in Groundhog Day, don't change a thing." Helllooo, Groundhog Day. Again. I can hear I Got You Babe playing as we speak. Fair enough, yes, Dicky Knee did raise his ugly head in the last month or so. But there was still lots I could have done - I just haven't done it. So I'm wondering what it is to be for me. My behaviour would suggest I want to stay fat forever, preferably putting on even more weight, something I can ill afford to do. Intellectually I don't, not at all, but if I'm not prepared to do anything to change my situation, then I might as well be saying, "Pass me that Krispy Kreme box while I staple my bum firmly to the couch, where I expect to remain for the next 10 years or so." No. That's not happening.

Today I had brekky with a friend of mine. We have known each other a while through the HBC website. We have had similar lifelong weight battles, we weigh a similar amount, we have a similar amount of weight to lose also. She would be my PERFECT training partner, with just one snag - she lives out in the sticks on the southside and me, out in the sticks on the northside. What do to? Well, for a start, I asked her if she wanted to be an accountability buddy for me and I for her. We both agreed that if we tried to do too much at once, being realistic, we will fall over quickly and then hide from one another. *rueful grin* So today, we decided we would be one another's accountability buddy's for one good lifestyle habit each. Great if we can achieve more, but we are only policing the one good habit. Hers is 30 minutes of exercise on six days of the week. Mine is going to sound like an odd one, but believe me, it's so important because this one has a huge impact on the rest of my day. I am going set hours. Oh, my God, what a novel concept. But adding structure to my day is exactly what I must do. Here's how it goes for a reluctant home worker who doesn't feel like sitting at her puter slaving away on a TV show she detests. Procrastinates all day. Literally. Might start on the show at...8pm. If it takes 7 hours to do, that means a 3am finish. What happens next day? Of course I am tired and feel like crap. Of course that means I "feel" too tired to exercise. Of course it means I spend at least some of the day nodding off on the couch in front of the TV just cos I can. Oh, yes, make no mistake - unstructured hours are a shocker for me. The more chaotic and disorderly my life is, the worse my eating is, the less I exercise... yada yada yada.

So that's my goal - working set hours. I have asked my friend, if possible, to be a bit "mean" to me if she can, and I said I'd do the same for her, because if we don't talk straight, we are not being good accountability buddies. That is my current non-negotiable behaviour and supersedes all others. Let's just see if doing that means I do other things I need to do in a lot more productive way.

Friday, January 8, 2010

First week summary and news about Dad

Well, it's now the end of the first week of my New Year restart, and I'm pretty pleased with how I've done. :) I wasn't perfect, and I didn't manage to get rid of the coffee habit, but I have peace about that one. There will be other times to try that, and hopefully I won't have to work next time I do it. What really scuttled the attempt was trying to do my job, which requires quite a lot of concentration at times, with the big thumping headache. Lesson learned - do not give up caffeine when you have to stare at a puter! On the positive side, being newly veggie has meant I have eaten more fruit and veggies and healthy legumes in the last week than I have for aaaages, and that's got to be a good thing. I also have been very vigilant in taking my fish oil and glucosamine tablets (although I think I forgot them today - better fix that!)

I also got my backside to the gym last night and did an admittedly fairly limited workout, but it is a start! The knee issue means a fair bit of what they do is not advisable, but I still got there and I moved, and that's the most important thing. Now to do a bit more of it next week and over the weekend.

Oh, and I forgot to weigh in today, but I will next Friday.

Before I leave the blogosphere to settle down and read my new Craig book, Fattitude, I am sending good vibes out into the universe for my dad, who today heard from his doctor that after years of getting SCCs and BCCs cut off various parts of his skin (i.e. the harmless type of skin cancer), he now has an actual melanoma on his shin. :( I'm pretty worried about him, but I'm going to stay hopeful that because he is always at the skin specialist, they have caught it early and all will be well. Any good vibes/thoughts you have out there would also be appreciated. I really would love to have Dad around for a few more years.

Till next time... xoxox

Sunday, January 3, 2010

On second thoughts...

No, right now I can't quite manage to give up coffee. Ah, well. :) You know what? I'm OK with my choice to reconsider the all-out ban in favour of moderation. Seriously, so many people I know struggle with alcohol, for instance. They are seemingly totally unable to give it away entirely, so instead they just moderate their intake. I have no issue with alcohol whatsoever (thank God, because there's no doubt I have it in me to become an alcoholic if I did like it!). Neither do I take drugs, nor would I. I don't gamble and smoking is repulsive to me. These days I don't even drink soft drink of any kind (I'd already given up Diet Coke previously, but along with coffee I also gave up soft drinks on NYD). So all I really do "wrong" is enjoy a nice coffee, and honestly, is that SO bad? The old Debbie might have have fun beating herself up about this. These days I'm far more inclined to go with the flow and realise everything happens for a reason.

And you might wonder what it was that triggered it. Well, anyone who's ever read my blogs in the past would know I do have a love/hate relationship with my job. Right now it's a bit in the "hate" phase because the lot of work I've got to do this week is singularly uninspiring. The plight of the home worker is that you have to find a way to motivate yourself in weeks like this, because if I actually was going to an office I'd just do the work to make the time go faster. This isn't so easy at home because all sorts of things seem more appealing than doing a program I hate! Anyway, on those bad days I need something, anything to look forward to. In order to give up something you like, you need to replace it. Lately I have given up quite a few things I liked but haven't managed to replace them, and all that does is make me miserable with life. I moved up here for a reason - to get on with my life and start living a far more vibrant one, getting it all back in balance with a decent amount of social contact, more hobbies, etc. Since moving there's been a lot going on taking up time, plus it's been the silly season, but after tomorrow things will start to get back to normal and I can put other plans into action, such as joining a new choir/singing group asap, taking classes I'm interested in, going to trivia nights, karaoke, whatever. And when I do that, somehow I don't think my job will seem anywhere near as bad, and if I decide to give up coffee again, it won't be so hard. :)

Till next time, from the still lacto/ovo/veggie, but not yet caffeine-free Deb. xx

Friday, January 1, 2010

What doesn't kill you...

Hello from the newly lacto-ovo-veggo and caffeine-free Deb. It's day 2 of my health experiment and so far I'm wanting a cup of coffee SO BADLY I could scream because of this cursed withdrawal headache :( . I mean, I knew I was going to get it because I've done this before, but I'd forgotten what a humdinger of a headache it is and the fact that nothing shifts it, not even quite strong painkillers. But I don't care - I will be strong and resist. It's meant that I haven't done much today besides sleep and rest, but that's good for my knee anyway, so veg and rest I will if that's what I need to do. I must admit, I'm not necessarily going to give coffee away forever because I do love it and I really will be in danger of becoming the world's dullest person because that means I have no vices at! That will mean besides being a virtual non-drinker, I don't smoke, take drugs, gamble, drink diet soft drinks OR drink coffee. Ho hum. But as I've been telling people, if I could have just a cup of black coffee, no sugar, I'd never give it up. Unfortunately, I don't like it like that - I like my coffee wrapped up in mocha form, made on milk, from a coffee shop. It's an expensive habit both in terms of calories and dollars, so it's got to go for now.

And then there's the question of Dicky Kee. The knee is feeling pretty good today and a lot less swollen generally, but then it usually does if I'm not sitting at my desk typing. However, I've committed to taking fish oil and glucosamine/chondroitin EVERY day like I'm supposed to (because I am notorious tablet forgetterer!) and since my restart I have been vigilant with it. I'm still not sure what to do re exercise. I do like Breaking Point but it is so full on with the boot camps and I really do not want this injury to turn into something more troublesome in the long-term. Equally, because they have such huge classes, I think they'd get really over having to tell me for each different thing what I can or cannot do, or what I should do for an alternative. The physio suggested strongly that I wait until I have orthotics before doing anything much at all, and I think that's a good idea, and that will be next week if all goes well. Apparently this maltracking patella/tight ITB/dodgy medial ligament business is not helped by the way I walk.

So, day 2 of my restart, I wish I could say I feel so much better and cleaner and healthier. I think I would if I didn't have this damn headache, though, so I'm going to think of that positive benefit right now before I go down the road and mug someone for a latte! This is the "cleanest" I have eaten in quite a long time, so I know it's got to be good for me. I've just had a lovely snack of honeydew melon. Mmmm! Probably protein shake time soon too - we veggos need extra!

Blog soon. Mwaaaah to all. xoxox