Thursday, June 17, 2010

Love and other yucky stuff

Hello, blogosphere! Me again with more observations on life, the universe and other stuff. Today, just for a change, I thought I'd blog about dating/boys instead of food issues, because I think it's important to see how all sorts of changes in your life, even good ones, can have a way of throwing you off track if you are not careful.

I've been single for two years now and I've found it to be a challenging, but yet also very rewarding period of time. My relationship worked for me for quite a while on some levels, but it didn't work in certain crucial ones, and one main one where it failed was I never really learnt how to keep my identity while being part of a couple. Now, I recognise that it might not be such an important thing to everyone, but I'm Miss Independent, of course, so to me it is crucial. I honestly felt that in my relationship with T, somewhere along the line I lost Debbie. I never want that to happen again because I finally now feel I've got "me" back. Any relationship I have from now on, I want it to be one that enhances what I have already, not something I feel I "need" to "complete me", as those icky romantic cliches go.

So, that's the theory. Now, the reality is that... major drum roll... I think I might have met someone who I actually am interested in having some kind of a meaningful thing with. Oh, my God, I can't even believe it myself. It's really thrown me a bit because it's so unexpected. Don't get me wrong - I'm kind of interested and excited and walking round grinning like an idiot at times, but the flipside of it is I've been going along really well with my health and fitness plans, being disciplined and focussed, etc. You know this love/lust/whatever stuff? Man, it messes with that! Far from being focussed these last few days, I've been off with the fairies! I haven't eaten "sometimes" foods or wanted to binge or anything, but I'm sort of forgetting to eat and feeling like odd foods, not to mention my sleeping patterns are a bit out of whack too. I'm not at all sure what the impact on my weight will be, but I guess time will tell.

The other slight downside is that because I did go through a very painful breakup, even the thought of maybe "going there" again does seem to push a lot of my anxious overthinking buttons. You know, "what if this happens", "how will I handle x/y/z", blah blah blah. I really recognise I need to see that it's early days and if anything is EVER going to develop, it needs to be given time to feel OK and right and I need to be OK with that. I do recognise that it also could fizzle out and go nowhere, too, and that's OK if it does. I'd be sorry, but because I've managed to built my life back into a better place, I don't "need" this to feel happy with me. And that's a good place!

But just quietly, can you cross your fingers for me? ;)