If I've learnt one thing in the last week, it's that the thing I need to be prepared to do to grow and flourish as a human being, getting uncomfortable - I don't like it. Not one bit. :(
Having made the decision to forge ahead with linen parties, I had to bite the bullet and ask friends/rellies/whoever to help me in the first month by holding eight parties for me (which is seven, cos one can be my own). So far I have six, and I have tied myself up into so many knots of stress worrying about asking people to have parties for me that, of course, the inevitable happened and I binged. Two days running, in fact. :(
Now, this doesn't have to be an A+B=C outcome. I'm sure it is possible to intervene in the process so that binge-eating is not the go-to strategy. I don't enjoy how I feel after I binge. I mean, who would? If the mental anguish isn't bad enough, you just feel physically ill too. Right now, I feel revolting, with a distended, churning belly. I don't say that to garner sympathy because I don't deserve any. I made my bed and now I'm lying in it. But I can see now what I need to do is get over that uncomfortable feeling I have which always precedes a binge. It's not nice and I hate it, but surely it must be able to be dealt with some other way. Having been an anxiety/panic attack sufferer for 10 years or so, if I had to put it into words, it feels as uncomfortable as you do before you are about to have a panic attack. Your mind races around, briefly alighting on various tortured thoughts in your mind like a demented trapped moth. You feel as if something awful is going to happen if you don't do something to quell this awful feeling (even though rationally, you know it won't). And to be honest, I guess the reason I keep bingeing is because on some level, it works to calm the anxious thoughts and feelings. It's a very poor, very non-constructive coping strategy, but it seems to be all I really have. And that has got to change.
In my last post I said I thought I didn't understand what would make someone desperate enough to consider major surgery such as a lapband or lap sleeve or duodenal bypass. Well, as I write this, I realise I was wrong - I do understand. Still doesn't mean I'd do it, but I understand. I guess people just get tired of fighting and feeling like they never win the battle. That's sort of how I feel at the moment - I know I can get back up off the canvas and fight again, but every time I fall over these days, it seems to take a little more fight out of me.
I have to get my head right again. Peace and love. xoxox