I don't wannnna... But I have to!

The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers. (M Scott Peck)

I was looking for quotes before along the lines of what CH is always saying about being prepared to get uncomfortable, and I thought this one was really apt to my current situation and how my life has been in the last year or more. You see, I'm just starting to face up to a reality I know sooner or later I was always going to have to face. If I ever want to lose more weight, like it or not, I am going to have to actually start filling out my food diary again.

The fact I am only now coming to this conclusion is pretty amazing, really, since at heart I always knew this to be the case. Truth is, I have put it off for such a long time. And why have I, you might ask? Well, because I know what sort of a commitment it entails. I know, once I commit to doing it, it's actually going to mean I can't just continue on as I have been and eating pretty much what I want to, when I feel like it. I've just been being, quite frankly, a real spoilt princessy brat about it, stamping my foot rebelliously and saying, "But I don't WANNNNA do it! WAAAAH! It's too HARRRRRD! I'm BOOOOORED with it!!!" All of that is true, too - my inner princess does not like one bit the idea of so much imposed discipline. It really CAN be a pain in the arse to do it. And there is a part of me that really, really wishes that I had a normal relationship with food, that it wasn't going to be lifelong struggle for me to work out what I should eat, when I should eat, how I should eat, where I should eat, yada yada ad infinitum. But let's get real here - right now, I DON'T have a normal relationship with food. And honestly, I'm not likely to have any time soon, if ever. I've eaten dysfunctionally too long, used food for completely the wrong reasons for too long. And that really means I have to face up to the cold truth that counting calories seems to be, for me, the only way I can truly know what is going into my body and how much energy it is. I mean, it's how I got rid of 45kg in the first place (well, it was 45kg before I put some back on *blush* ). I have to think back to how happy I was when I first found CK, how I really sensed it was going to be a really useful tool for me. And so it proved to be until I got sick of doing it, just like I seem to get sick of everything to do with weight loss sooner or later.

But you know what? So what if I don't "enjoy" it? I don't have to! Whether I like it or not, it's just something I damn well have to do for now. And it's time I got used to the idea, because my weight is not going anywhere while I continue to be a baby about it.