Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Slapping around the Inner Princess

Oh, yes, SHE'S BACK! Be very AFRAID!

For the first time, really, since I got Craiged over a week ago, Debbie the princess made an appearance at boot camp yesterday morning. I must say I have not missed her whiny, sooky presence in my life, but I know I have to be vigilant for now because in these early days of my new lifestyle, she is going to be lurking near the surface ready to bleat about how she can't, she won't, it's all too hard and oh, why won't anyone listen to her and seeeee how hard it is? waaaah waaaah!

OK, to be fair, I think the main problem yesterday morning was that I was just really tired. On top of all the stress and physical effort attached to moving house, plus the other stress of having no Internet for over a fortnight when your very livelihood depends on it, and then still on top of that doing more exercise since the Friday before last than I have for about six months, I think my body was trying to tell me it really needed a sleep in that day. But I didn't listen, because if there is one thing I am not really great at, it's listening to my body. I haven't done it for years, after all. It is a new skill I am learning. What I THOUGHT was happening is that I was being a slack-arse. I was awake in plenty of time and it's not like I have to go far to get to boot camp (about a 5-minute trip), but still I lay there arguing with myself for a good 20 minutes before I finally dragged myself out of bed and went. And right from the start I did not feel good physically but, more importantly, I felt bad mentally because it was me - over 130kg, 43, unfit as hell - and a bunch of people who are in a totally different class to me fitness and weight wise. I am not happy I let it get to me, but I did, and after over 30 minutes, when they decided to make us go up a hill sprinting/doing high knees etc, I just got stroppy and decided I wasn't going to. In truth, I was so angry I wanted to cry (something I always do when I'm angry and can't express it). I wasn't angry with anybody there - just myself - but still, I didn't want to blubber in front of a bunch of strangers. And I know part of this was my inner princess wanting some airtime, but I think I had valid concerns too in that no allowances are made at all in that group. Half the time they don't even remember to give alternatives for exercises a large older lady hasn't a chance of doing. But part of it was also I was so tired. And how do I know? Because I came home, went and did some work. I was sitting reviewing a program until midday and my eyes were literally closing while I tried to check it. I decided I must need a nap and went and lay down, thinking it would only be for 15 minutes (my usual power nap length). Fully two hours later, I woke up with incredibly sore eyes because I'd actually gone to sleep with my contacts in, which is never a good idea. My flatmate confirmed how soundly I was sleeping. He came home for lunch, but when he left to go back to work he says he said goodbye to me, but I have absolutely no memory of it. And there is no way I would sleep for two hours during the day unless I was really buggered.

So, while I have no desire to let Miss Inner Princess run my show any more, I think I do need to learn when it's her whinging and carrying on and when it's my body telling me it needs rest and maybe do more gentle exercise that day. To a person who has been so disconnected from their physical body for as long as I have, this isn't going to be an easy skill to learn, but learn it I will, day by day, step by step.

I have a PT session tomorrow at 9am. Bring it on!


  1. Good on you for starting to recognise the difference between the inner princess and true fatigue. You are doing great Deb. I love seeing you so positive again.

  2. Well done Deb. Do not feel bad about your weight and fitness, you were there doing something about it (applause) As for your age, with fitness and loss we'll have you feeling heaps younger in no time :)
    Good luck at your PT session. I wish you big sweats :P

  3. Wonderful way to look at it. So hard to change everything at once. Love the idea of an Inner Princess whining and carrying on...haha.